I was realizing while looking back over my blog how little of the journey I actually shared. God was “perfect, very incredible,” as my friends in Thailand say, and carried me in ways I didn’t know He could through the good, the bad, the ugly. In the middle of the journey, when I was so close to simply giving up and saying it wasn’t worth it, all I had to give were questions:
Why am I here?
Why can’t I give up my dreams?
Why does “why” seem to get me nowhere here?
Why does this urge to “go” compel me so strongly that sitting quiet for more than 4 hours drives me insane?
Why do I have this drive to have deep and meaningful communication?
Why do I feel such a pull to those that no one else sees?
Why does lack of identity stir in me such compassion?
Why does identity crisis seem to me to be the greatest crisis of mankind next to the need for a Savior?
Why does being a forerunner have to equal such a lonely life?
Why can I not just die to these burning passions in my soul and become “normal”?
How do I do what I came here to do?
Is friendship with these ones enough?
What does true friendship look like?
Does laying down my life mean laying down my dreams as well?
Why does God work a dream so deep in the human soul that it cannot be snuffed out?
Why does it feel like I’m living out “many waters cannot quench love”?
How do I help them?
Is there a way for these ones?
Why do they lie and manipulate and try to make their own way?
Why do so many believe these ones are beyond the point where we can help them?
Why does it feel the doors I knock on all seem to have walls behind them?
Is today just a rough day and it will get better?
What does love look like?
If Jesus came here, what would He say and do?
Who would He stop for?
How would He love them well?
As I read over them now, I remember how on September 16 2010 at 10:29pm (when I last edited this blog post) I had no answers. I am still seeking the answers for some of these, but today, I’m resting in love. It’s the end of a chapter in the story and I came up from the wilderness leaning on my Beloved.